She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
