this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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