I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
