Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Randomize
