Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
there's paper in my vomit.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
