Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
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it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
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I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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