im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
