last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
