So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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