I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I can't turn off my feet"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Randomize
