I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
They are going to name an STD after you.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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