I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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