I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
