You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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