If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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