my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
