May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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