I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
