so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
