I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
