hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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