i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I think I have vodka in my lungs
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
