I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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