he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
