I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Randomize
