i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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