i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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