watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
