oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Randomize
