i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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