It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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