Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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