um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
