White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize