We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
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