I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
