I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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