Pass out mid-funnel last night.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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