We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
