I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
