sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
