why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
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