Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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