Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
