this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
