i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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