about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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