dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
