i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Randomize
