Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
