I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
