guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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