nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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