I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Randomize
