I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
