My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I faked an abortion last night.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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