Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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