why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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