I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
