Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Randomize
